April 29, 2010
Birth-Parents (column 2)
My birth-parents are no-longer together. They split up a year after the twins were born. My dad got full custody of all the children but gave visitation to their mother. I’m not sure if she gave him custody or if the judge did, but after meeting her I think it was the best decision for everyone.
My birth-father has taken me in and accepted me as his daughter even letting me call him dad when I want to which actually came about naturally for both of us. I didn’t have a father figure in my life at that time and he always treated me the same as his other children. He nick-named me Runt telling me that he calls all his children by nick-names, and I am the smallest in the family.
He spent the same amount of time and money on me for my birthdays and Christmas as he did on the other four kids and all of his friends already knew about me – I wasn’t a surprise to anyone. It all felt so natural that calling him “dad” was just as natural.
Once I made the mistake of calling him “daddy”, in a joking manner, in front of Heather. She was only eight years old and didn’t realize I was just joking and she was really offended, no she was angry. I finally got her to talk to me and I explained that I was joking but if it bothered her that much I wouldn’t do it any more.
I also asked her if it bothered her if I called him “dad”, which wouldn’t really be fair because he is my dad and I have a right to call him dad, but I am the adult and if it hurts her then I wouldn’t do it. She said calling him “dad” was fine because all the others call him “dad” but she is the only one that can call him “daddy”.
We came to an understanding and I try to take her feelings and reactions into consideration while at the same time I take them with a grain of salt.
He has always been open with me about any questions I have about my adoption from his point of view or any other questions I have about the family.
I was curious about his divorce from my birth-mother and his other marriages. My birth-mother told me he was on his fifth marriage and I wanted to know why. He said his wife now was his third and he doesn’t really count his second marriage as a marriage. He and his second wife were married for a year and a half but separated for a year of that time.
I was also curious about my siblings and whether any of them were considered for adoption or just me. He told that Travis was considered but the grand-parents wouldn’t allow it. In fact, he told me that had his parents known about me then I wouldn’t have been adopted either, and that once everyone learned about my adoption there was a fight between my aunt and my grandparents about who would have taken me if they had only known about me – the family didn’t learn about my birth and adoption until I was two years old.
His wife now, my step-mom I guess, is only 13 years older than me, the same age difference as my sister and I, so we have more of a friendship relationship, I think with her forgetting that I am his daughter as well as her friend.
There’s not much too say about the birth-mother, and yes I said ”the” not “my”. There is no relationship of any kind and there never has been. The first day I met her she looked me in the eye with a comment that neither I nor my mom or birth-father took seriously.
“Now that I have seen you and I see that you are happy and healthy and I see that you have a good relationship with your mother, now that I have seen that, if I never see you again for the rest of my life, I will be ok with that.”
Like I said, no one took her seriously, but she was serious. Since that day she has not spoken to or seen me. Actually I should say she hasn’t acknowledged me, because we have obviously seen each other on occasion.
We have seen each other at my birth-father’s house on holidays and we have run into each other at extra-curricular activities and she never acknowledges that I am in the room.
One Christmas she showed up at my birth-father’s house to drop of gifts for the other children. My mom and I were sitting on the sofa next to each other when she walked in and started a conversation with my mom but not a single word or glance to me.
Everyone was stunned in amazement that she was talking to my mom but not to me and we were all very confused when she left. Every encounter with her has been along those same lines.
The best anyone can figure is that maybe it is too hard for her to be around me. Maybe I remind her of what she did and she feels guilty for it, and now that she has seen me and she knows that I am happy and have a good relationship with my mom she has finally gotten her closure and that part of her life is now finished and she can’t look back.
While I understand her situation I also think she could have handled it better or differently. It is not my fault and I do not deserve to be ostracized by her from that part of my life, from getting to know that part of my family. I know nothing about her side of the family; she is the only one I know in her family, but judging from the way she treats me maybe I don’t want to know her family.
